Todays article is about one of my introspection sessions on having meaningful connection and bonds with people and Seneca’s true happiness.
“The stoic philosopher Seneca says, “True happiness is to enjoy the present without anxious dependence on the future.”. Breathe in and find any tension you are holding onto. Exhale and realize there is no need to ruminate over past events. However many times you’ve tried and failed does not exist in this moment. “
This excerpt is from todays daily coaching session about happiness. I can feel the relaxation it brings to me when i say to myself that it’s true i shouldn’t ruminate over past events. However my inner voice responds that i still feel the ramifications of some past events. If i had had a bad social interaction with someone whom i try to have a connection with, then that bad experience is still going to linger in the air the next time i meet with them. Even though I should had let go of the negative feelings, there used to still be something else that irritated me continuously: The gap between what I want and what I get.
What is it that I desire?
First of all I want to have a meaningful and deep connection with my friends. And if I feel like an interaction has weakened the bond between me and them, then it bothers me. Because it goes against the direction of what I desire to achieve it will continue to affect my mood and thinking. Then here lies the things to ponder upon. First, do I change the way I think about connection and bonding. Second, do I change the way I desire things.
Let’s have a quick train of thoughts on the desire of connection.
If the lack of something affects me so much that it makes me feel irritated then maybe it’s not healthy to perceive it as something desirable. No, it doesn’t hold true. A person is naturally a social creature so it’s natural and expected to desire a deep connection. Then maybe further education on building a deeper connection and what affects its quality is more important.
The kinds of connections I strive are those that root themselves on the core values of a human character. So superficial quirks and behavioral mismatches should have little to no effect on the quality of the bond if the underlying cores are compatible, because a behavior is shaped by nature and nurture, the character and the environment.
Is it true that a behavior is shaped by nature and nurture? What is the dissection of a behavior? A behavior consists of a motive and an action. The motive is a problem that needs to be solved, a hunger to be satisfied and a thirst to be quenched. The action is the most probable solution to this motive. Without the effects of self-restraint and how it changes the selected action to not be the most probable one, these two parts should give us a good approximation on how a behavior works.
The Motive behind an action is a problem to be solved
The nature of our character might shape the motive behind our actions. What is a problem to be solved? What do you feel a desire for? So it shapes the motive. The action part of the behavior is co-shaped by nature and nurture.
During our lifetimes we learn many sets of actions and their consequences either through direct experiences or through secondhand ones. We filter those actions to select the most probable solution to our motive while also not going against our values. For example robbing someone could be a solution to the motive of financial survival, but it goes against many core values so our ethical system filters it away. And so through learning from experiences its possible to learn different solutions to the same problem.
As a result, through different experiences it might be completely possible for two people to exhibit different actions for the same motive while having the same underlying core values. For example one person might choose to donate money to charity while the other might donate volunteered hours and work there. Both of them wants to give to those who are not as advantageous with a core value of generosity. Both of their motive is the existence of disadvantaged people, as they exhibit different actions.
Can we show any proofs?
But can we prove that this action disparity is solely because of the difference in their upbringing and environment? Can it not be because of some combination of different underlying values? Or maybe there is a third factor that I’m not taking into account. For example one of them might value being present more than the other one and so volunteering is a result of two core values coworking towards the action thats more present. Or maybe the one who gives money values being present too but just doesn’t care enough to volunteer and just gives money. The third parameter of behavior shaping might be the intensity of core values, how much one thing is valued will very well differ from one person to the other.
This indefinity of unknown parameters or the unanswered question of the validity of these parameters poses no threat to our primary goal of establishing connection through connecting people’s compatible core values. What is needed is some kind of overlap between the two core value sets. And these core values show themselves with the choice actions through time.
And so it takes time to build the bridges in between two characters. You need time to see how a person behaves so you can analyze their core value sets. So rushing it leaves you with no knowledge of their core values and a shallow bond.
So it takes time and what matters is the compatibility and parity of deeper core values, not of surface behavior.
Second thing to ponder upon is The Gap , the connection of the desired and the achieved.
The Gap is a concept describing the mismatch of the desired and the achieved. The empty gap between the desired and the achieved is a strong drain for a persons energy. It will drain even more energy with time paving the way to depression and general apathy. It is thus important to monitor your time-bound desires and modify your desires or the results through changing your methods of approach according to the general condition your life is in.
For things you can not modify choose to be modest about them. While this is not about being delusional and lying to yourself that everything is fine, it is about enjoying your stay on earth.
Lift your expectations and try different views on things. Savor the time you are here on earth and focus on the beautiful. Your time here consists only of nows. And as infinitely short amount of time as now is, it’s not enough time to fill it with negativity. You are here. Past and future does not exist in this very moment. Learn from mistakes but don’t ruminate over past events. Experience things as they are and try to see the beautiful in now.
The desire is savory as long as it is a source of motivation and not despair.
Internal Links
External Links and Sources
- Pug photo from Unsplash/@charlesdeluvio
- Man in the train photo from Unsplash/@Atul Pandey
- Seneca picture from GettyImages
